Cookie Cutters

All of which beg the questions... who is this 'Mr. Keebler' and what were the circumstances by which little Ernie the Elf wrested control of the Cookie Tree away from him?

Is There A Parade In Town?

Is it too soon after David Carradine for me to publish a picture of the Hamburglar asphyxiating himself with his own tie?

Free Inside

The cereal-savvy amongst you will certainly notice that is not actually Frosted Flakes and is instead Raisin Bran with the raisins picked out. When it came down to a choice between a late night drive to the grocery store or picking raisins out of a bowl of bran flakes I had to go with the choice that didn't necessitate me finding my shoes.

And for those of you who just want a good look at the button without the artsy-crappy 'mood' enhancement, here's this-

3. Veggie Tales

Get The Drift!

Is Snowdrift still made? If it is, then I'd be glad to sell them that "Get The Drift!" tagline for a reasonable fee. It's just the sort of slogan they need to grab the attention of the hip young, extreme-sports-loving buying market that is the future of emulsorized vegetable shortening.

Spellcheck doesn't believe that 'emulsorized' is a real word and I'm tending to agree with it...

I'm Comin' Up So You Better Get This Ice Cream Party Started!

When I first spotted this pamphlet in a thrift store bin of children's books I tossed it into my metaphorical shopping basket without even looking past that cover. Just a quick glance at the little Cindy Brady-looking girl standing on a hilltop at dawn told me all that I needed to know about what was inside... this booklet was either going to be about Jesus or the coming of this little girl's 'monthly friend' and both of those subject matters are ripe with blog-mocking potential. There are no two things in this whole wide world that are funnier than religion or menstruation.

When I got home and took another look I discovered that this was actually an educational tome from the '50's explaining the intricacies of ice cream mass-production to the public school students of Palos Verdes. Or maybe it's all about a burgeoning young lesbian's journey to self. It reads both ways...

I think we all know what 'pink' really is and I think we all know why Betty would prefer it over Uncle Bob's complicated 'machinery.'

When Mr. Dick says "ice cream" he really means "penises"

When Uncle Bob talks about the "ice cream plant" he really means "border town whorehouse."

It helps to understand the story better once you know this.

"See the rollers go round and round in what you so laughingly refer to as a 'track,' you ignorant little slut!"

Alice knows that it doesn't help to rush things when you're trying to make ice cream. It only puts a lot of unnecessary pressure on the 'tanks.'

Sweeny Todd: The Satanic Soda Jerk Of Fleet Street





A machine that gets the job done better than girls or a hole in the wall that little Betty may peek through? Oh, which of these two things do I make fun of first!?! Actually, I think I'll just make fun of the fact that it looks like Betty's been asked to identify a body at the morgue... they don't usually make you slide the drawer out yourself, do they?

Between this guy's rosy cheeks and the hardening of the "ice cream" my brain is turning every line of this innocent little story into pure filth. To which dark corner of Hell do they send people like me?





So Uncle Bob's an enforcer?

The Lightly Sweetened Adventures Of Alfie The Wonder Dog

Saturday Is Steakday!

The following presentation is made possible by a grant from the fine folks at Bonanza-

In what would appear to be a souvenir from an elementary school field trip to a local Bonanza restaurant, we follow Tommy & Susie (who, in spite of the under title lead status billing and Tommy's rather depressing career aspirations, don't appear to be of any more importance to the plot than any of their other black & white classmates) as they scope out what goes on behind the scenes at every-70's-body favorite steak house chain. Now if I ever did go on a school trip to Bonanza I have no memory of it. The only field trip I can ever remember going on was to Monticello. We went to Monticello seven or eight times a month every single freakin' month for the twenty or so years I was in school. I am so damn sick of Monticello I can't even tell you and yet the only thing I can even remember about the place is that so-called "genius" Thomas Jefferson invented a clock that was so big that it not only spanned an entire entrance hall, but hung down through the floor and into the basement! I mean they had smaller clocks even back then didn't they? What's the point Mr. Declaration of Independence?



"As for you, Miss Carter... your debt to the Company has been repaid in full. Leave this place now and speak not of what you have seen here!"



Even for a six-year-old this is a pretty half-assed attempt at coloring. I've shamed myself today.





"Hey, Broilerman!"

"Hey, Earl!"

"So... 200 steaks an hour and they're all done just the way we want them?"

"Yeah really, right?"






"Bonanza loves kids... is a cookbook!"


Wait... illustrated by who now?