Big Boy Killed The Electric Car

'Cause he's so darned fat...

I did not see that coming.

WOW It's Spring!

The last 'wild spring thing' that I saw looked a whole lot like a pile of sun-burned co-eds passed out in small pools of vomit and Two-buck Chuck on the shag-carpeted motel room floor of a Daytona Beach Red Roof...

Man, oh man... white bread and Smuckers jelly rolls! Does that take me back... When was the last time I made myself a pile of white bread and Smuckers jelly rolls? Actually, it was this morning for breakfast.

It's Tilda Swinton! Ha, ha! Get it? She's pale and has got stringy hair. Get it? I'm looking at the third one from the left up there. See it? Do you see the resemblance? Ha, ha! Would Bjork have been funnier?

Horse Sense

I was talking to a friend who trains horses the other day (and when I say that he trains horses I mean that his wife trains horses) and as I was flipping through a catalog full of horses for sale I asked him just how much one of those trained horses went for and I think he thought I asked him how much a new house went for 'cause he quoted me a price that I wouldn't pay for a new heart, let alone a horse or a house. Then as I continued flipping I came across a picture of a beautiful snow white horse with a huge white mane billowing around its head and a price tag beneath it of only $3,300. I asked my friend if there was something wrong with this horse that made it so much cheaper than the others and then started to read the description to him. When I got to the part where it said the horse was 13-years-old he interrupted me with a knowing "Aaah." I asked him if that was old for a horse. "Oh, yeah." he replied. I asked him how long horses usually lived. "About 35 years." he said. I then stared at him in disbelief. "35 years?" I also cried to him in disbelief. I'm a disbeliever by nature. "35 years? That horse isn't old at all! That horse is not even halfway through its expected lifespan. Why, that's the horse equivalent* of me!" Then without missing a beat he looks at me and says, "Yes, and are you ever going to learn any new skills or be any better than you are right now?"

Kudos, sir. Kudos on not only effectively getting in the last word in an argument with me, but also for saying the single funniest thing that anyone has ever said to me in my entire life.

I only relate the above story to you because when someone tells you the single funniest thing that anyone has ever told you in your entire life then that is a story that should be related as frequently as possible. And also I wanted to have something to post today other than a post saying that I promise to be posting more in the near future. I've just been too busy lately what with secretly dating a Venezuelan super model, keeping my Webkinz fed and happy (man, I really should have stopped at twenty!) and getting smacked down by pseudo horse trainers that I haven't found the time to scan and type. So thanks to those who missed me (Hiya, Sparkle & pita!) and I will be back in action soon. I've got Easter stuff all ready to go!

And since I can't have a post without a picture, here is a random painting of a piece of fruit with some slight water damage-


*When I ran spellcheck just now I found out that I was way, way off in how I thought the word "equivalent" was spelled. I'm so embarrassed for me.

L'Amore Is In L'Air!

So, I knew Valentine's Day was coming up soon, but I didn't even remember that it was today until the nice voice on the Sonic menu-com wished me a happy one. I'm not as excited over the hearts and flowers and x's & o's as I am with some other holidays, but it's a day that's all about love and I can't see anything bad about that so I think the occasion needs to be honored with a post of epic proportions and thanks to Lushie Peach over at Food With Eyes I've got just such a post for you today!

Lushie (and that is her real name, I've seen her driver's license) read the most recent of my Busch Garden's characters posts and promptly fired up her scanner and sent me over some truely amazing pics from a souvenir booklet that she picked up on a family trip back in the summer of 1980. Coincidently, this is around about the same time that my family began to frequent the park so I've naturally enough decided that we must have been there on the exact same day and most likely passed each other at some point during our visits, innocently oblivious to the fact that we would one day be linking blogs. I imagine that it was probably on that quiet, shady stretch of walkway that connected Hastings with Aquitaine back where the monorail to the brewery once stood. Perhaps our eyes would have met that day but for the fact that Lushie was probably distracted by a vendor's sign displaying a smiling faced Pig-In-A-Blanket wearing a kilt and playing the bagpipes while I was hiding from a giant beaver man.

The thing that is so amazing about these pics is not just the fact that the shy and noble big-headed creatures of Busch Gardens have been captured on film at all, but that the pics have managed to convey an accurate depiction of those critter's courtship and mating rituals! And offered further proof of my theory that they were all gayer than a Christmas tree wrapped in feather boas. Follow along with me and I'll point out all of the obvious sexual innuendo for those of you who's passe 20th century morals prevent you from recognizing it on your own...

Here's St. George and his life partner and future big game kill, Gordon the Friendly Dragon being serenaded with a lute by a pretty boy in tights (I know that it's a guitar, but we're in The Old Country now so pretend that it's a lute.) St. George hired the lute player as a special Valentine's surprise for his big green boyfriend, but from the knight in shiney armor's body language we can easily see that he has begun to regret this particular romantic gesture. Gordon is a little too interested in our lute-playing lovely. Perhaps we are witnessing the planting of the seeds of our loving couple's eventual, and rather dramatic, break-up?

Looks like they've kissed and made up! Here we see our couple tiptoeing happily through the dandelions while a very early version of the Cirque du Soleil and a hitman for the Rhode Island mob look on. I can't decide if what we're watching here is a sincere montage of true love's blossoming a la "Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid" or a tongue-in-cheek dissection of same a la "Annie Hall."

(And as an aside, may I please direct your attention to what a kick-ass dragon costume that is! Look at those layers of overlapping scales, those huge clawed feet and that great big giant egg tooth... I'd tongue kiss any one of those merry-melody-making doofuses in exchange for that dragon costume.)

And now here's Bebo, the non-alcoholic adult beverage shilling French fox being led away for a little of what those in the know refer to as "Midway Delight!" And you can see that he's none too pleased by the idea as he has very nearly torn his arm off at the elbow in an attempt to flee the grasp of Tracey Lynn, New France's own paper-flower-selling girl! And why is Bebo so reticent to 'tip the tissue paper...'

... because he only has eyes for Buford. Here we see that the Canadian lumberjack has invited the fox over to his sweat lodge for a little dry humping of the support poles. This is how a giant-headed costumed amusement park character lets another of his species know that they are ready to begin mating. Happy coupling, fellas!

From Butch & Sundance to Bob & Ted & Carol & St. George...

Looks like George has grabbed a pretty boy of his own and the two of them have hooked up with another couple for the evening. High fives for St. George! Everybody throw their lutes into a bowl and we'll get this funky renaissance started! That will teach that dragon to play with an armored man's heart!

Oh, this is all going to end so badly....

------------------------------------------------------

And that's the end of Valentine's week. With our next post we'll go back to orange-colored text and less bawdy sex talk. I swear, it's only all the artificially cherry flavored ju ju hearts that I've been throwing back in the past week that have made me so naughty. They're worse than green M & M's.

Valentine Peanut Butter

Just thinking about the amount of shared slobber that must be on that marshmallow makes me a little queezy....

If you are really good with the Photoshop than you can fiddle around with those last two pages until hey line up perfectly, front to back and then print them up and make your very own peanut shell Valentine! Let me know how that works out.

Love In The TIme Of DSM-IV IED

"Loooove American style- truer than the red, white and bluuuuuue! Loooove American style- for me and yoooooooou!"

"Tonight's episode: "Love & the Bitter Pill!"

"Oh, darling! That was the best night of love-making we've had since that weekend in Turkey!"

"Yeah babe, it was hot! Who knew you could learn those kinds of moves at an est course."

"Everything is just so wonderful right now. I... I'd hate for anything to ruin that..."

"Nohing's gonna ruin it, baby. Nothing!"

"Darling? I'm pregnant."

"What the-!?! Pregnant? But you told me that you were on the pill! I've seen you taking the pill!"

"Yes, I told you I was on the pill... I just didn't tell you which pill! Those pills are actually a mood-altering drug that I take to help control these homocidally violent emotional outbursts that I've been prone to since adolescence! I've wanted a baby for so long, but I knew that you didn't want to have children, so... so I lied to you and pretended to be on the Pill!"

"A mood-altering drug?"

"Yes. I only hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me some how!"

"Forgive you? Forgive you!"

"Oh, HA HA HA HA HA! What a crazy mix-up this has all been!"

"I don't understand? What are you talking about, darling?"

"I thought that you were the one who didn't want to have kids! I've always loved the idea of becoming a dad one day, so for the past two weeks I've been switching your pills with Tic Tacs!"

"Wha-!?!"

"Oh, sweetheart! You've made me the happiest man in the world today!"

"Oh, darling!"

"So for the past two weeks I've been taking Tic Tacs instead of my medication? I thought that my breath has been extra minty the last few days!"

"Ha ha!"

"What a crazy, crazy mix-up!"

"Ha ha!"

"YOU BASTARD!!!!"

"GLUURG!"

"YOU SICK, PASTY-FACED, HILLBILLY PIECE OF *beep*!"

"My eyes-!!!"

"I'LL TEAR OFF YOUR LIMP LITTLE *beep* AND SHOVE IT SO FAR UP YOUR *beep* THAT YOU'LL THINK THAT YOU'RE IN A PRISON PORNO!"

"No! I- ack! Gurgle..."

"Gurgle... gluck... wheeeeeeeeeze....... death rattle!"

"Okay... okay... breathe in the happy air! In with the happy air!"

"Mmmmmm.... aaaaaaaaahh!"

"Oh, baby! Always remember that your Daddy loved you!"


"And on a star-spangled night my love, you can rest your head on my shoulder-"