Sunday, December 23, 2007

The Christmas Album

Monday, December 17, 2007

Get The Drift!

Is Snowdrift still made? If it is, then I'd be glad to sell them that "Get The Drift!" tagline for a reasonable fee. It's just the sort of slogan they need to grab the attention of the hip young, extreme-sports-loving buying market that is the future of emulsorized vegetable shortening.

Spellcheck doesn't believe that 'emulsorized' is a real word and I'm tending to agree with it...

Friday, December 14, 2007

Run, Rudolph, RUN!!!

Santa's dream gift is a hunting magazine featuring reindeer? I think that family counselling may be in order.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The United Colors Of Christmas-Time

When people come up to me and ask "Rock?" (I tell people that my name is Rock) "Rock, what is the single greatest Christmas-related moment in the history of live theater and as a follow up to the first part of my question- was that moment ever captured on video for future generations to cherish and enjoy?" I am always quick to answer their questions in a tantilizingly suspense-building reverse order by saying "Yes, the single greatest Christmas-related moment in the history of live theater was captured on video thanks to the genius and foresight of Mr. Ed Sullivan and that moment was the "Turkey Lurkey Time" number from the Burt Bacharach musical "Promises, Promises!" And now, thanks to the Misters Sullivan and Bacharach and the folks at Blue Gobo, I present... "Turkey Lurkey Time!"

If you didn't love and adore that number above everything else you have ever seen or heard in your entire life, then you hate America and you can just go straight to Hell. Thank you.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Free To Be Santa & Me!

Proving that Montgomery Ward wasn't just a one-hit open sleigh with their contribution of Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer to the modern Christmas mythos, I am proud to re-present that seminal (I'm not sure I actually know what that word means) holiday classic "Santa! Santa!" which introduced the world to beloved childhood icon, Picasso Claus.

Brought to you by Montgomery Ward, teaching the world to sing in perfect harmony since a couple of years after they saw Coke do it.

Christmas is dipping into Mommy and Daddy's stash.

'Shopping,' 'new toys' and 'dolls?' Who would have thought that a department store would have such a materialistic view of Christmas?

AAAAAHHH!! Infinity!!

The strange thing is that nobody in this picture is wearing pants..

Christmas is parties.... parties in prison.

Kids were all about Cubism back in 1974.

I used to leave my crayons in a bowl out in the sun just to see what kind of swirly chunk of wax I'd end up with when they all melted together which is probably why I started coloring this page with a ballpoint pen.

I miss Montgomery Ward if for nothing more than the ultra-swank 'audio nook' our local store had back in the seventies. A dark little grotto that was covered wall-to-wall and floor-to-ceiling in blue shag carpeting and outfitted with not only the latest in home stereo systems, but also... oh, the glory of it all... disco balls! Stepping into this dark little den of stoner rock and Saturday night fevers always made me feel a little excited and dirty at the same time, like a sexless Playboy Mansion if I had even know such a place existed back then. And I probably did 'cause I was kind of a pervy little kid.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Plastic Magi

Or maybe it's a plastic shepherd. Or a plastic Joseph. I'm not even sure if it actually is plastic. It's creepy and life-size and the sheep are real enough so maybe that's a real guy, too. If so, he's got some sort of weird Max Headroom affliction... the whole thing's just unsettling. This is why they don't allow manger scenes on city property, anymore.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la... I Lost Track.

Everyone here at 'Plastic Pumpkins' is getting ready to deck this blog with boughs of holly and old Highlights, so join us from now 'til Jan 1st for a whole mess of recurring-plotline-free Holiday posts! And yes Virginia, there will be go-go dancing!

Monday, November 19, 2007

I'm Comin' Up So You Better Get This Ice Cream Party Started!

When I first spotted this pamphlet in a thrift store bin of children's books I tossed it into my metaphorical shopping basket without even looking past that cover. Just a quick glance at the little Cindy Brady-looking girl standing on a hilltop at dawn told me all that I needed to know about what was inside... this booklet was either going to be about Jesus or the coming of this little girl's 'monthly friend' and both of those subject matters are ripe with blog-mocking potential. There are no two things in this whole wide world that are funnier than religion or menstruation.

When I got home and took another look I discovered that this was actually an educational tome from the '50's explaining the intricacies of ice cream mass-production to the public school students of Palos Verdes. Or maybe it's all about a burgeoning young lesbian's journey to self. It reads both ways...

I think we all know what 'pink' really is and I think we all know why Betty would prefer it over Uncle Bob's complicated 'machinery.'

When Mr. Dick says "ice cream" he really means "penises"
When Uncle Bob talks about the "ice cream plant" he really means "border town whorehouse."
It helps to understand the story better once you know this.

"See the rollers go round and round in what you so laughingly refer to as a 'track,' you ignorant little slut!"

Alice knows that it doesn't help to rush things when you're trying to make ice cream. It only puts a lot of unnecessary pressure on the 'tanks.'

Sweeny Todd: The Satanic Soda Jerk Of Fleet Street

A machine that gets the job done better than girls or a hole in the wall that little Betty may peek through? Oh, which of these two things do I make fun of first!?! Actually, I think I'll just make fun of the fact that it looks like Betty's been asked to identify a body at the morgue... they don't usually make you slide the drawer out yourself, do they?

Between this guy's rosy cheeks and the hardening of the "ice cream" my brain is turning every line of this innocent little story into pure filth. To which dark corner of Hell do they send people like me?

So Uncle Bob's an enforcer?

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Feel Me