Sunday, December 23, 2007

The Christmas Album

Monday, December 17, 2007

Get The Drift!

Is Snowdrift still made? If it is, then I'd be glad to sell them that "Get The Drift!" tagline for a reasonable fee. It's just the sort of slogan they need to grab the attention of the hip young, extreme-sports-loving buying market that is the future of emulsorized vegetable shortening.

Spellcheck doesn't believe that 'emulsorized' is a real word and I'm tending to agree with it...

Friday, December 14, 2007

Run, Rudolph, RUN!!!

Santa's dream gift is a hunting magazine featuring reindeer? I think that family counselling may be in order.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The United Colors Of Christmas-Time

When people come up to me and ask "Rock?" (I tell people that my name is Rock) "Rock, what is the single greatest Christmas-related moment in the history of live theater and as a follow up to the first part of my question- was that moment ever captured on video for future generations to cherish and enjoy?" I am always quick to answer their questions in a tantilizingly suspense-building reverse order by saying "Yes, the single greatest Christmas-related moment in the history of live theater was captured on video thanks to the genius and foresight of Mr. Ed Sullivan and that moment was the "Turkey Lurkey Time" number from the Burt Bacharach musical "Promises, Promises!" And now, thanks to the Misters Sullivan and Bacharach and the folks at Blue Gobo, I present... "Turkey Lurkey Time!"

If you didn't love and adore that number above everything else you have ever seen or heard in your entire life, then you hate America and you can just go straight to Hell. Thank you.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Free To Be Santa & Me!

Proving that Montgomery Ward wasn't just a one-hit open sleigh with their contribution of Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer to the modern Christmas mythos, I am proud to re-present that seminal (I'm not sure I actually know what that word means) holiday classic "Santa! Santa!" which introduced the world to beloved childhood icon, Picasso Claus.

Brought to you by Montgomery Ward, teaching the world to sing in perfect harmony since a couple of years after they saw Coke do it.

Christmas is dipping into Mommy and Daddy's stash.

'Shopping,' 'new toys' and 'dolls?' Who would have thought that a department store would have such a materialistic view of Christmas?

AAAAAHHH!! Infinity!!

The strange thing is that nobody in this picture is wearing pants..

Christmas is parties.... parties in prison.

Kids were all about Cubism back in 1974.

I used to leave my crayons in a bowl out in the sun just to see what kind of swirly chunk of wax I'd end up with when they all melted together which is probably why I started coloring this page with a ballpoint pen.

I miss Montgomery Ward if for nothing more than the ultra-swank 'audio nook' our local store had back in the seventies. A dark little grotto that was covered wall-to-wall and floor-to-ceiling in blue shag carpeting and outfitted with not only the latest in home stereo systems, but also... oh, the glory of it all... disco balls! Stepping into this dark little den of stoner rock and Saturday night fevers always made me feel a little excited and dirty at the same time, like a sexless Playboy Mansion if I had even know such a place existed back then. And I probably did 'cause I was kind of a pervy little kid.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Plastic Magi

Or maybe it's a plastic shepherd. Or a plastic Joseph. I'm not even sure if it actually is plastic. It's creepy and life-size and the sheep are real enough so maybe that's a real guy, too. If so, he's got some sort of weird Max Headroom affliction... the whole thing's just unsettling. This is why they don't allow manger scenes on city property, anymore.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la... I Lost Track.

Everyone here at 'Plastic Pumpkins' is getting ready to deck this blog with boughs of holly and old Highlights, so join us from now 'til Jan 1st for a whole mess of recurring-plotline-free Holiday posts! And yes Virginia, there will be go-go dancing!