Thursday, September 27, 2007

From The Plastic Pumpkins Case Files: Mystery Poo!

I was out in the woods today playing with my Mego dolls, like you do, when what should appear on the path before me but a still warm and steaming pile of poo. As pictured:

I'm not one who is usually bothered by a little forest poo, but this was a most perplexing pile of poo and perplexing poo is always off-putting. The worst thing about this poo was the sheer size of the pile... I didn't think to put anything in the picture for size reference, but this poo was only a few more handfuls of Triscuits away from being full-grown man head-size! Right off the bat, I'm not comfortable with the thought of anything that leaves behind a poo that big lumbering up a shady forest trail just a few steps ahead of me. The second slightly odd thing about this poo was its consistency and chemical make-up. To these un-poo-trained eyes this looked like a big pile of poo-colored sawdust. It was even as light as a pile of sawdust, as a hesitant finger poke with a fallen leaf prophylactic proved to me. But it was definitely poo. I mentioned the steaming already didn't I? And there were flies, too. Lots and lots of flies.

So my question to you is- from what creature's bowels did this poo come? The only animal that I can think of that might leave behind a pile of pooey sawdust is a beaver, but this would have to have been one big beaver. Sci-Fi channel Saturday night movie big, I'm talking! Any guesses, educated or otherwise? Any poo experts out there care to weigh in on this Unsolved Mystery? Mr. Riddleburger, I'm looking at you.

I apologize for today's subject matter and promise that this will be the only time I devote an entire post to a pile of poo that I found in the woods. Unless this post gets a lot of hits and then it's all poo, all the time!

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Pass The Roundi Doundi (On The Left Hand Side!)

It's time for a Thrift Shop Bedtime Story! Today's story is...

"A Hunt In The Jungle" by Edward Azmon. Copyright 1971. Featuring Roundi Doundi, Chim Cham, Aaxel, Wallie, Bobo, Rhinie, Emilie & Gigi! But, really just Chim Cham and Bobo.

"One fine day, Chim Cham goes to the zoo."

Like that.

"The first thing to see is the elephant."


That's just like that time we went to Busch Gardens the year that they opened the Big Bad Wolf roller coaster and when we got to the park there was a sign saying "We're sorry. The Big Bad Wolf is closed today." It's just as terrible as that.

"Chim Cham cannot believe it. Something must be done!"

I suggest a strongly worded email.

Wait a minute... is Chim Cham thinking of doing what I think Chim Cham is thinking of doing?

Are you telling me that the 'Hunt' mentioned in the title of this story involves our bird-like protagonist traveling to the untouched jungle depths to capture a majestic and beautiful creature of the wild and dragging it back to live out the rest of its days in caged display for the amusement of hot dog eating tourists?

I'm not sure that I'm okay with that, but I'll keep reading for now.

"Chim Cham buys an umbrella with big, bright flowers."


"And the biggest box of chocolates in the store."

He did just walk into a hunting supply store, didn't he? And he bought flowery umbrellas and a box of chocolates? I have to say that a hunting supply store would not be the first place to pop into my mind if I ever were to need flowery umbrellas and chocolates (and when do I ever not need flowery umbrellas and chocolates?), but Chim Cham obviously knows a little something about hunting supply stores that I do not.

"Chim Cham takes them straight to the airport. Soon he is flying to the jungle where the elephants live."

That is the trippiest aquarium that I have ever seen.

"Bobo the Elephant loves jungle flowers. He would like to flutter through them like a butterfly, smelling and tasting the sweet blossoms."

"Chim Cham finds Bobo asleep under a tree..."

"... dreaming of butterflies and flowers."

Wake up, Bobo! He's right behind you! And he has a... well... he has a flowery umbrella and some chocolates...

I really don't see where this is headed...

"Chim Cham leaves the box of chocolate beside Bobo and ties the umbrella to the elephant's trunk. When Bobo awakens, he thinks he is a butterfly inside a cluster of flowers."

"Bobo is happy that his dream has come true at last. He hardly notices that Chim Cham is leading him away. The chocolates smell as sweet as nectar."


What the f**k sort of pit-bred, demon seed is this Chim Cham creature that he not only knows our every secret dream and desire, but will also gleefully turn those most heartfelt wishes against us for his own dastardly purposes?

Foul, foul beast!

"A big ship carries them quickly across the sea. When they land, Chim Cham thinks of going right to the zoo. But then he has another idea. Chim Cham drives home."

Did anybody else just feel a cold chill run down their spine?

"There he takes Bobo's picture in color. It is very hard to make an elephant smile when you take his umbrella away."

No, no, no, no, no! No! The overcoat-clad, beret-wearing creepy guy has just taken the innocent elephant back to his damp basement apartment to take some pictures. In color.

This is not turning out to be the kind of bedtime story that I think is entirely appropriate for a blog that asterisks the f-word!

There is no way that I am going to keep reading this story to you. No way!

Maybe one more page...

"Soon, Chim Cham is waving goodbye. Bobo is sailing home to the jungle."

Wait a minute... Bobo's what? What about the zoo? What about all of Chim Cham's clever little mind games? What about the porn?

"Chim Cham goes back to the zoo."

"What a good place for a picture of an elephant!"

Aaaaaawwww! Look at that! Chim Cham never had any intention of turning poor Bobo over to the zoo! What a lovely, lovely story! And what a valuable and timeless lesson about man's place in the glorious world of nature in living color! Take only pictures, leave only footprints! Make love, not war! Zoos are unhealthy for children and elephants!

Of course, Chim Cham could have just taken his camera with him to the jungle in the first place and spared Bobo all of the mental manipulations, but if he had done that then he wouldn't be the Chim Cham that we all know and had never heard of before today, now would he?

We'll say our goodbyes for today as Chim Cham and Bobo share one last tab before going their separate ways.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

A Day Late And A Doubloon Short

"Avast and welcome ye scurvy dogs! I be Cap'n Freaky-Ass-Naked-Fleshy-Feathery-Nipple-Eyed-Conjoined-Chicken-Man-Thing-Creature-Beast-In-Pixie-Boots and this be me conjoined first mate Jeremy and we be wanting to welcome you all aboard the good ship Plastic Pumpkins! Yoo hoo hoo and all that!"

"We all be in a Jolly Roger of a mood today what with it being Talk Like A Pirate Day, shiver my timbers and the like! So in honor of the occasion we be... just a moment, Jeremy... I say in honor of Interplanetary Talk Like A Pirate Day Jeremy and... not now Jeremy! I am speaking like a pirate! Can it not wait? ...but... I am very busy right... yes, but... oh, very well! What is it!?!

"Yesterday? No Jeremy, I am sure that you are mistaken..."

"No, Jeremy. Today is the 19th, tomorrow will be the 20th."

"I know that you know how to read a calender, Jeremy. I too know how to read a calender and I am telling you that today is the 19th."

"The 19th, Jeremy."

"No, it is the 19th! Jeremy, I am telling you- very well! Bring me my handy dandy three year checkbook calender!"

"See you there, Jeremy? It is Thursday the twe-"

"Oh, Jeremy. I am mortified...."

"Do you think that they are still there, Jeremy?"

"Perhaps if we hold very still then they will go away."

"They are not going away, Jeremy."

"Very well, Jeremy. If they will not leave than we must find a way to remove ourselves from the scene of my terrible humiliation while maintaining what is left of my dignity and sense of self-worth."

"Run, Jeremy, run!"

"I believe that we shall skip National Gorilla Suit Day, Jeremy..."

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Safety First! (Racial Sensitivity Second)

I think the 1974 copyright date on the cover of this elementary school giveaway might be a bit misleading... I get the feeling that this very same booklet had been given out for many years prior. And while I got the exact same booklet when I was in the first grade this is actually my younger brother's copy. He wouldn't have been in the first grade until the early '80's... imagine how dated this thing seemed by then!

This page is creepy, right? It's not just me?

...hee, hee...

Because monkeys are highly explosive?

"Pedestrians" is not on the 1st grade vocabulary list.

So is "Hole" safe or not safe? Or does it just depend on the hole?

Urm... could the clown's line of sight be any more icky?

If you can get him to say his name backwards he'll have to return to his home dimension and stop stealing your kites.

Continuing our series of 'Clowns With Gouged-Out Eyes'