"This Portion Of Plastic Pumpkins Brought To You By..."

Behind The Mascots: Secrets Of The SpokesStars- Exposed!

Another Friday night on the red rope circuit... another jug or three of store brand sangria... another morning coming to his senses face-down in a ditch along a stretch of country road that smelt of turkey houses and burning tires with his shoes and his wallet missing and yet another Spanish vulgarity tattooed onto his round, yellow bum...

In the privacy of his Hot Springs Village McMansion, the Wal-Mart Smiley Face thought that the tide had hit its lowest ebb... but a ruder awakening than any back-road dawn was soon to open his beady black eyes to the frightful wares which lay ahead of him in the aisle of self-destruction down which he'd long ago pushed the shopping cart of his life...

Godzilla 365, Day One*

*taken from Godzilla's flickr stream

Finally got my new camera working... have to fiddle with the settings some more. Brenda called. She's still being a bitch about that whole camping weekend thing. I'm not in the best of moods, as you can imagine. Also, I think I may be gluten-intolerant.

Another Quiet Day At Midwich Elementary...

Photographs by Peggy Irwin, from the book "About School Helpers" by Elaine Hoffman & Jane Hefflefinger.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to jump. I have to go and jump...

The Amazing Colossal Bunny!

In the classic tradition of Fox's November airings of 'The Simpsons'" Halloween specials (and because I spent too much time on the stupid thing to not post it just because it's a day late) Plastic Pumpkins proudly presents-

"It's another quiet Spring morning in bustling downtown Easterville... but deep within the private laboratory of Dr. Dudley D. Bunny the vindictive forces of Mother Nature will soon come head to head with the arrogance of Bunnykind... turning this peaceful day into a day of terror!"

"At long last Lab Assistant Flopsy, the secret formula that I've toiled over for years past is finally complete. Sitting before us is an elixir that will spell an end to the countless hours Bunnykind must spend dying Easter Eggs! Oh, think of the grand feats of science and art that bunnies will achieve once freed from their egg-dying bonds!"

"But what sort of an elixir is it that could do such a thing, Dr. Dudley?"


"It's simple really, Lab Assistant Flopsy. My formula is a secret combination of vitamins, minerals and certain barely legal radioactive isotopes which, when ingested by any egg-laying creature will result in said eggs being laid in dazzling striped hues of pink and blue and yellow and green and every other color you could possibly imagine!"

"That's amazing, Dr. Dudley!"

"But first I must test my formula to be sure of it's effectiveness. I shall drink of this first batch, myself!"

"Are you sure that's safe, Dr. Dudley?"

"Of course, Lab Assistant Flopsy! What could be safer than vitamins and minerals and isotopes?"

"Glug-glug-glug-glug-glug"

"Now we simply sit back and wait for me to lay my next egg..."

"But Dr. Dudley, bunnies don't-"

"Damn my eyes! Bunnies don't lay eggs! Oh well, no harm d-"

"GLURK!"

"Dr. Dudley, are you okay? Dr. Dudley?"

"RRAAAGH!"

"Uh oh."

"GRRRAAAGGHHHH!!!!"

"So you say that this fifty-foot tall rampaging bunny monster is actually a brilliant scientist who has accidentally fallen afoul of one of his own experiments and is in no way in control of his own actions?"

"That's right, General!"

"Very well... we'll try to kill him as quickly and as painlessly as possible."

"But, General-!"

"Damn it, Sergeant! Get this lab assistant out of here on the double!"

"But...but..."

"Come along now little girl... everything will be fine."

"I'm a boy..."

"Ground troops! Assemble!"

"Now men, this is the moment you've been preparing for since the day you entered the Giant Bunny Defense Corps! I want you to go out and show all those smirking taxpayers who scoffed at the need for the GBDC how their tax dollars have been put to use... I want you to take that giant bunny down!"

"AYE SIR!"

"RRRAAARRGGHHH!"

"AIIEEEEEEE-!!!"


"Oh my God, General. It's a bloodbath!"

"Hmmm.... I believe that it's time to rethink our stratagem..."

"Send for the bombs!"

"General Fuzzytail, sir. I'm Klara Klucker from the Daily Lay... is it true that you've authorized the use of atomic weaponry against this giant bunny menace?"

"Damn it, Sergeant! Get this reporter out of here on the double!"

"The public has the right to know-"

"Come along now, miss. Everything will be fine."

"Where do these damned reporters get their cockamamie ideas?"

"Now where were we, Sergeant? Oh yes... the bombs!"

"General sir, please! Call off the bombs! That's my fiancee up there"

"Damn it, Sergeant! Get this statuesque blond out of here on the double!"

"But General... I just know that if you'd let me speak to Dudley for a moment that I could calm him down and end this whole thing peacefully!"

"Well....I can't possibly see any harm in that. Go ahead, miss!"

"Dudley? Dudley! Down here! It's me Melanie! Oh Dudley I know that you-"

SPLAAAATT!

"Ooopsy"

"RRRAAAAHHH!?! RELANIE!?! NOOOOOOO!!!!"

CRAAASSSHHH!

THUD!

"General, sir! He... he died... of a broken heart!"

"Yes, Sergeant! Looks like it 'twas beauty that killed the beast!"

"You needn't use the word 'it' in front of the word 'twas,' General. Also, wrong movie, sir."

"Yeah... I really don't remember how that other one ended."

"Ha, ha! Come on, General. I'll buy you a drink!"

"Sergeant, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship!"

Dark Night Of The Bunny

"Greetings! I am Freaky-Ass-Naked-Fleshy-Feathery-Nipple-Eyed-Conjoined-Chicken-Man-Thing-Creature-Beast-In-Pixie-Boots and above me is my host body, Jeremy. I assume that you are aware of the rules regarding Jeremy and the speaking to him by you. You have joined Jeremy and I at a dark and dangerous moment for Jeremy has just been telling me of an evil bunny of unnatural proportions who legend tells wanders the land on one night each year... entering houses unbidden and hiding within them eggs... eggs of evil! Well, my friends........

......TONIGHT IS THAT NIGHT!"

"Seeing as how the buffoon who's name appears on the lease of the abode in which Jeremy and I dwell has not seen fit to install a security system of any sort upon these premises it falls to me, and me alone, to protect our homestead against Lepus invasion. I have divided the house into several separate sectors and have mapped out a route with which I will patrol said premises. No bunny shall be depositing his eggs of evil within the domain of Freaky-Ass-Naked-Fleshy-Feathery-Nipple-Eyed-Conjoined-Chicken-Man-Thing-Creature-Beast-In-Pixie-Boots!"

"Sector One a.k.a the front hall is all clear. Our patrol is off to a most successful beginning, Jeremy!"

"What is it, Jeremy? Calm yourself!"

"Yes, yes. I see the croquet mallets... but there will be no time for games this evening friend Jeremy!"

"Onward to Sector Two!"

"Sector Two seems peaceful enough, but bunnies love kitchens so perhaps it would be wise of me to enlist some help in patrolling this particular quadrant...."

"You there, small blue goofy looking ghost like character! I seek men of bravery and valor who will join me this evening in securing our domicile from assault by outside forces, specifically a large bunny armed with eggs.... eggs of evil! What say you? Will you stand alongside me?"

"Your lack of cooperation has been noted and will be remembered. Come Jeremy we must next check within the cupboards."

"Never mind about bubblegum now, Jeremy!"

"I told you not to let the door shut behind us, Jeremy!"

"Do... do you suppose we will die in here, Jeremy?"

"Jeremy, there's something I've always wanted to tell you..."

"Yes, Jeremy. It was lucky indeed that the buffoon came along when he did. He does have his limited uses."

"And yet, my brief brush with death has left me with a thirst that only one thing may quench..."

Sssluuuurrrp!

"I am refreshed, Jeremy! And I am well pleased that the TV room sector remains secure and that "Murder In Suburbia" is being Tivo'd even as we speak!"

"But look, Jeremy! I see something which may aid us in constructing anti-bunny defenses!"


"Damn these so-called 'Tinkerer Toys' anyway! Why do they not come with firing pins?"

"Frustration combined with juice boxes has upset my bladder! To the bathroom, Jeremy!"


"All looks well, Jeremy! I think we can rest easy knowing that the facilities are under the watchful eye of our jubilant homosexual friend here!"

"This place is bigger than I thought it to be, Jeremy. My pixie-booted feet grow weary from my patrol. Time to outsource!"

"Poodle Dog! The library sector is now your responsibility... do not fail me!"

"Look at me when I speak to you, Poodle Dog!"


"Hour one of this dark night of the soul has passed with relative ease, Jeremy. But we shall not rest until the God-sent light of dawn shines upon the Earth... well, maybe we can rest a little..."

".... Jeremy? Who's comfy-soft paw is this upon which we rest?"



"RUN JEREMY!"


"Faster, Jeremy... for the love of mercy, faster!"


"Oh my God! Oh my God!"


"Keep running... oh God Jeremy... keep running!"


"What is happening!?! WHAT IS HAPPENING!?!"

"....mommy..."

"It's behind us... oh my dear God, it's right behind us!!!!"

"Huff... don't.... huff... can't..."

"Huff...puff...huff...cough...cough...hack..."

"...wheeeeze..."

"Can you hear anything, Jeremy?"

"I think we have eluded him, Jeremy"

"Frightened? I was not frightened! I thought only of your safety, my friend"

"No! No, Jeremy. I think it best if we remain here for the rest of the night. This vantage point is perfect for... for undercover surveillance. I should like to see that bunny attempt any more funny stuff this evening, Jeremy."

"Oh, I should very much like to see that..."