Love In The TIme Of DSM-IV IED

"Loooove American style- truer than the red, white and bluuuuuue! Loooove American style- for me and yoooooooou!"

"Tonight's episode: "Love & the Bitter Pill!"

"Oh, darling! That was the best night of love-making we've had since that weekend in Turkey!"

"Yeah babe, it was hot! Who knew you could learn those kinds of moves at an est course."

"Everything is just so wonderful right now. I... I'd hate for anything to ruin that..."

"Nohing's gonna ruin it, baby. Nothing!"

"Darling? I'm pregnant."

"What the-!?! Pregnant? But you told me that you were on the pill! I've seen you taking the pill!"

"Yes, I told you I was on the pill... I just didn't tell you which pill! Those pills are actually a mood-altering drug that I take to help control these homocidally violent emotional outbursts that I've been prone to since adolescence! I've wanted a baby for so long, but I knew that you didn't want to have children, so... so I lied to you and pretended to be on the Pill!"

"A mood-altering drug?"

"Yes. I only hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me some how!"

"Forgive you? Forgive you!"

"Oh, HA HA HA HA HA! What a crazy mix-up this has all been!"

"I don't understand? What are you talking about, darling?"

"I thought that you were the one who didn't want to have kids! I've always loved the idea of becoming a dad one day, so for the past two weeks I've been switching your pills with Tic Tacs!"

"Wha-!?!"

"Oh, sweetheart! You've made me the happiest man in the world today!"

"Oh, darling!"

"So for the past two weeks I've been taking Tic Tacs instead of my medication? I thought that my breath has been extra minty the last few days!"

"Ha ha!"

"What a crazy, crazy mix-up!"

"Ha ha!"

"YOU BASTARD!!!!"

"GLUURG!"

"YOU SICK, PASTY-FACED, HILLBILLY PIECE OF *beep*!"

"My eyes-!!!"

"I'LL TEAR OFF YOUR LIMP LITTLE *beep* AND SHOVE IT SO FAR UP YOUR *beep* THAT YOU'LL THINK THAT YOU'RE IN A PRISON PORNO!"

"No! I- ack! Gurgle..."

"Gurgle... gluck... wheeeeeeeeeze....... death rattle!"

"Okay... okay... breathe in the happy air! In with the happy air!"

"Mmmmmm.... aaaaaaaaahh!"

"Oh, baby! Always remember that your Daddy loved you!"


"And on a star-spangled night my love, you can rest your head on my shoulder-"