Locked & Loaded

"Hi I'm..."

... color blind? ... a 'Kroffthead'? ... Sgt. Pepper? ... o.d.-ing on 'Pink Things'?

A Day At The Races

I was up in my parent's attic recently trying to find my old Pac-Man puppet (I've still got Ms. Pac-Man, but Pac-Man disappeared years ago. If I had a Baby Pac-Man puppet there would be child support issues.) when a small red 'No. 7 De Luxe Album For Polaroid's Swinger Camera' came tumbling out of a box of paisley patterned bell bottoms. It turned out to be an old album that my father had kept from high school right on up to when I was born. In this album were 18 pictures of cars, four pictures of his dog and one of my mother... and yet she still married him.

Here are said car pics, plus a couple of others, along with any descriptions that were included with-

"Rick's '66 Tempest"

"Natural Bridge 1969 Mercury"

"Natural Bridge '55 Chevy '57 Chevy"

"Denny's 1960 Valiant"

No, that is not your imagination... that's a drive-in movie screen there in the background. I don't know which came first, the speedway or the theater, but this was a definite case of strange bedfellows. I saw the first 'Superman' movie at that drive-in back in the '70's and mostly all I can remember of it is the roar of racing engines that played in accompaniment to the entire film. Also, I remember that Marlon Brando frightened me.

" 'Jungle Jim' Lieberman Camero Funny Car"

" 'Mountain Rat' Art Truslow Jr Nelson Co."

"454 Ci Camero A/MP"

It's some sort of secret code...

"Left 'Little Stud' (Orange) Right SS454"

"T.V. Tommy Ivo's AA/FD John Austin 'Tarzan' "

I have no idea which are the names of people and which are the names of cars...

No caption, but I think that Evil Herbie is about to eat that poor truck.

"Denny R- Driving 5-70"

There are two pictures of this 'Denny' fellow in this album, that's twice as many as there are of my mother. There's also a picture of his Valiant. I don't know any 'Denny,' but he sure seemed to rate a lot of album space for someone I'd never heard of. I asked my father if there was maybe a "Brokeback Mountain" thing going on between the two of them, but he was not in the least bit amused. He hates cowboy humor.

"Jean Before Steve"

I don't know for sure why my 8-months pregnant mother was posing for a picture out in the middle of a field somewhere, beside a trailer park but I suspect it has something to do with that totalled trailer in the background. Neither of my parents remember for sure, but I'm thinking that this is hard-to-come-by photographic evidence of the aftermath of a rare 'trailer park kaiju' rampage. Judging from the width of the footstep I'd say it was Clemzilla... that dead patch of grass behind my mother suggests the remnants of his atomic 'ter-bakky' spit.

Treats To Tickle Your Gag Reflex!

I found this old Knox Gelatine recipe flyer in a box full of paper junk that I purchased at a flea market over the weekend and so, in a bit of blogging synergy, I'm sending this one out to Curly Wurly, Big Cheese of All Things Gelled-

...if anyone prepares the 'Prune Orange Cheese Salad' and sends me a picture of yourself actually eating it, I'll mail you a quarter...

Making Magic The Milton Way

"By the Frosted Tarts of Kellogg's! I am Milton, Toaster Supreme and I bid you welcome! Today I will empart upon you the secrets behind my vast sorcerous powers... secrets learned at the knee of the Ancient One on a wind-swept mountain top in the unforgiving wilds of Battle Creek, Michigan. Heed my teachings and study them well and one day you too may become a Master of the Pastry Arts!" *

*Crimson Potholders of Cyttorak not included.

Colorize Me!

Way back in the mid-'70's and on into I don't know when, McDonald's restaurants used to ring in the New Year by handing out cool coloring calendars. By 1985 I was too old to be into Ronald McDonald coloring calendars (which means too old to ask my parents to take me to get one and too young to drive myself) so I missed this one during its original in store go around, but I've come across several since then in thrift stores all over the place- I'm assuming that there was a different calendar printed for each of the states, but I've only ever come across Virginia's. So let's go back in time to 1985 and join Ronald and his pals as they paint the state red! (So they're to blame for that...) Original captions and interesting calender factoids included...

"The sky's the limit to what you'll see at the Universe Planetarium at the Science Museum of Virginia in Richmond."

January 15th- Lee-Jackson-King Day is celebrated in Virginia. You other states observe Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday by lumping him in with a couple of Confederate Army generals, don't you? Yeah, that's what I thought...

"Ronald goes sight-skiing at Monticello, the home of Thomas Jefferson in Charlottesville."

The gardens of Monticello actually are filled with talking hamburger people. Thomas Jefferson was a mad genius!

Doesn't 'skiing' look more like a sound effect than an actual word?

"When you visit Richmond, be sure to breeze through the State Capitol!!"

Also, the Phillip Morris plant!! Free cigarettes for the kids!!

"All aboard for fun at the Roanoke Transportation Museum!!"

They are really overselling things with all these exclamation marks.

"The Norfolk Botanical Gardens grow more popular every year."

True Virginians pronounce the second syllable of 'Norfolk' as if it were a dirty word.

"June is a month of Sun Days at Virginia Beach!!"

True Virginians pronounce the word 'beach' as if it were a dirty word.

"You'll have a blast exploring the historic battlefield at Yorktown!"

Is it really wise of them to let a convicted criminal man the heavy artillery?


"Ronald makes sure there'll be no hamburglaring in Colonial Williamsburg!!"

Colonial Williamsburg sucks. I'm only saying. I mean, if your idea of a good time is listening to a bunch of bored college students and frustrated community theater actors parading around in britches and hoop skirts and pretending that they don't know what airplanes are and saying 'For sooth' way too many times, then by all means- kick it up 1776 style. The rest of us will be at Busch Gardens.

"Don't cross Virginia without visiting Natural Bridge, one of the Natural Wonders of the World."

Better yet, just don't cross Virginia at all. She never forgives and she never forgets. And she's well armed.

"Ronald creates a scene at the beautiful Skyline Drive."

Apparently, Birdie's room came with a whirlpool bath and Ronald's did not. He got all diva about it.

"You'll get a real taste of history at Berkley Plantation, site of the first Thanksgiving."

Never been there. Next.

"A visit to Woodrow Wilson's birthplace in Staunton is a ride through History."

I was actually born only a couple of blocks away from the Birthplace in a hospital that the city of Staunton has since torn down. They'll be sorry! When I'm a world famous handbag designer and hard-living hotel heiress and they can't charge tourists forty bucks to see the room where I took my first greedy gulps of oxygen, then they'll be sorry! Oh, yes.

You'll get molested by hillbillies if you go hiking in the tail end of Virginia like Ronald is...


Come again! Buckle up for safety! Speed limit enforced by aircraft! (Slow down when you see the horizontal stripes on the road!)

Colorize Me! Redux

For the longest time I was under the impression that I owned two copies of the "It's A Colorful Year In Virginia" calender until just recently when I actually took a closer look at them. One of the pair is a 1990 re-issue of the original created, apparently, at the request of the Hamburglar's management. The Ham-man had recently undergone extensive plastic surgery in an attempt to make himself less 'wicked Uncle Ernie' and more 'dribbling water-headed baby' in appearance and he was eager to show his handsome new features to the world. Since they were sending the calender back to press anyway, the head honchos at McDonald's decided to spare some expenses by merging two states into one, thus the added "and N.E. Carolina" banner and the little chunk of N.C. that's stuck onto Virginia like one of those hard, red butt-pimples. How was this merger reflected inside the calender? The line "June is a month of Sun Days at Virginia Beach" has the words "and at the Outer Banks!!" added to it. North Carolinians must have been so proud. Also notice that while visiting the Planetarium in Richmond, the Professor has been abducted by aliens and replaced with a plant-based, yet nearly identical replicant. The differences are so subtle that no one even notices...