Colorize Me!

Way back in the mid-'70's and on into I don't know when, McDonald's restaurants used to ring in the New Year by handing out cool coloring calendars. By 1985 I was too old to be into Ronald McDonald coloring calendars (which means too old to ask my parents to take me to get one and too young to drive myself) so I missed this one during its original in store go around, but I've come across several since then in thrift stores all over the place- I'm assuming that there was a different calendar printed for each of the states, but I've only ever come across Virginia's. So let's go back in time to 1985 and join Ronald and his pals as they paint the state red! (So they're to blame for that...) Original captions and interesting calender factoids included...

"The sky's the limit to what you'll see at the Universe Planetarium at the Science Museum of Virginia in Richmond."

January 15th- Lee-Jackson-King Day is celebrated in Virginia. You other states observe Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday by lumping him in with a couple of Confederate Army generals, don't you? Yeah, that's what I thought...

"Ronald goes sight-skiing at Monticello, the home of Thomas Jefferson in Charlottesville."

The gardens of Monticello actually are filled with talking hamburger people. Thomas Jefferson was a mad genius!

Doesn't 'skiing' look more like a sound effect than an actual word?

"When you visit Richmond, be sure to breeze through the State Capitol!!"

Also, the Phillip Morris plant!! Free cigarettes for the kids!!

"All aboard for fun at the Roanoke Transportation Museum!!"

They are really overselling things with all these exclamation marks.

"The Norfolk Botanical Gardens grow more popular every year."

True Virginians pronounce the second syllable of 'Norfolk' as if it were a dirty word.

"June is a month of Sun Days at Virginia Beach!!"

True Virginians pronounce the word 'beach' as if it were a dirty word.

"You'll have a blast exploring the historic battlefield at Yorktown!"

Is it really wise of them to let a convicted criminal man the heavy artillery?


"Ronald makes sure there'll be no hamburglaring in Colonial Williamsburg!!"

Colonial Williamsburg sucks. I'm only saying. I mean, if your idea of a good time is listening to a bunch of bored college students and frustrated community theater actors parading around in britches and hoop skirts and pretending that they don't know what airplanes are and saying 'For sooth' way too many times, then by all means- kick it up 1776 style. The rest of us will be at Busch Gardens.

"Don't cross Virginia without visiting Natural Bridge, one of the Natural Wonders of the World."

Better yet, just don't cross Virginia at all. She never forgives and she never forgets. And she's well armed.

"Ronald creates a scene at the beautiful Skyline Drive."

Apparently, Birdie's room came with a whirlpool bath and Ronald's did not. He got all diva about it.

"You'll get a real taste of history at Berkley Plantation, site of the first Thanksgiving."

Never been there. Next.

"A visit to Woodrow Wilson's birthplace in Staunton is a ride through History."

I was actually born only a couple of blocks away from the Birthplace in a hospital that the city of Staunton has since torn down. They'll be sorry! When I'm a world famous handbag designer and hard-living hotel heiress and they can't charge tourists forty bucks to see the room where I took my first greedy gulps of oxygen, then they'll be sorry! Oh, yes.

You'll get molested by hillbillies if you go hiking in the tail end of Virginia like Ronald is...


Come again! Buckle up for safety! Speed limit enforced by aircraft! (Slow down when you see the horizontal stripes on the road!)