Saturday, March 22, 2008

The Dark Night Returns

"...and this squiggly line around the house was going to be the moat, but I couldn't procure enough fresh-water crocodiles from off of the Internet to make it worth- what's that?"

"Ah, hello there! I'm sure no one out there needs reminding that I am Freaky-Ass-Naked-Fleshy-Feathery-Nipple-Eyed-Conjoined-Chicken-Man-Thing-Creature-Beast-In-Pixie-Boots and this loquacious gentlemen you see above me is my conjoined-partner-in-bunny-busting-business, Jeremy! DO NOT INTRODUCE YOURSELVES TO JEREMY!! He needs none of that."

"Some of you may recall an incident last year involving the breaching of my home and hearth by some ghastly demon-bunny-man-thing of unnatural proportions who apparently makes a yearly habit out of turning his b & e tendencies towards the distribution of eggs... eggs painted in godless hues and of unspecified purpose... throughout the abodes of guileless innocents."


"My confrontation with this devil-beast last year was epic and I have no wish to repeat it, so this year I am taking certain precautionary steps to ensure that no bunny will set one unlucky paw into my parlor this Easter Eve!"


"What I hold in my hands are my top secret- TOP SECRET!!!- plans to secure not only my home but its entire surrounding buffer zone of nature from lepus intrudius. I was just about to take Jeremy for a quick tour of the grounds in my cherry-red Flexible Flyer to give him a sampling of the painful joys in store for our buck-toothed nemesis. Please feel free to join us."


"First stop- the swing set!"







"Where is the 'on button' on this thing?"



"Behold the swing set!"


"Now, if I know bunnies like I think I know bunnies then I know that this bunny is not going to be able to pass by a delightful child's swing set without sitting down for a quick swing. Bunnies love to swing! But this is one bunny who is in for a swinging that he'll never forget for soon each of these simple plastic swing set seats will hide within their interiors pressure sensitive explosive devices designed to detonate at the slightest hint of bunny derriere."


"What's that, Jeremy?"


"What about the children? I am sure that the children will be fine. What child could possibly weigh as much as a bunny?"


"It certainly is windy out here today, Jere-"



"AAAAUUUGH!"




"I think we landed on a slug."




"Next, the perimeter fencing. Soon to be covered in electrified razor-wire and patrolled nightly by a pack of seven retired fighting dogs and one very mean looking echidna that I found on eBay."





"I know Jeremy and as I said before... the Homeowner's Association can just bite my beak."


"Hmmm... this old lobster trap, once re-purposed, will ensnare bunnies quite nicely, I believe."




"No Jeremy, I do not know why a man who lives 200 miles away from the seashore has an old lobster trap sitting in his backyard. I also do not know why he has an entire bookshelf full of Mr Potato Head dolls in his bedroom. I just try not to think about either one of these things"




"How did we get in here?"



"This tree limb is more than sturdy enough to support the weight of a dangling anvil and that leafy spot directly below us will be perfect for disguising the tripwire."


"Do not fret so, Jeremy! I am being perfectly care-"


"FLAAAUUUGHH!"


"There are quite a lot of slugs out for this time of year"




"Here it is Jeremy! Here is the little house that I was telling you of... the one I discovered as I was first mapping out my plans many months ago. The tiny, tiny little birdies who dwell inside this house have agreed to lend a hand in our upcoming endeavors. They will provide air-support and blind the bunny with their droppings if need be! Come let us have a tete-a-tweet with our compatriots!"



"Tiny, tiny birdies? It is I, Freaky-Ass-Naked-Fleshy-Feathery-Nipple-Eyed-Conjoined-Chicken-Man-Thing-Creature-Beast-In-Pixie-Boots. I have Jeremy with me and we should much like to discuss tactics for the upcoming Easter incursion. Tiny, tiny birdies? Where are you tiny, tiny birdies?"

"Tiny, tiny birdies I know that you are in there! Quit playing silly games and come out here right this instance! Do you hear me tiny, tiny birdies?"


"Tiny, tiny birdies!"


"TINY, TINY BIRDIES!!"






"Cowards."


"Jeremy, I do not know why I didn't notice before that this especially tacky lawn ornament has protruding from it a sharp pointy bit that would make for fine bunny-piercing weaponry. If we can but reach out far enough to pry it free..."


"Further, further..."


"Fuuuuurther...."

"WAAAUUGH!"


"This is not a slug."

"I'm telling you Jeremy, that was a human toe that we landed on. I wonder if they ever found all ten of that UPS driver's- what the-!?! Damn my nipply eyes! Our arch-villain left behind a little farewell gift after our last entanglement! An egg-shaped incendiary device primed to go off as soon as the temperature reaches 52 degrees! And it is a bit cool out this evening!"


"Dive, Jeremy, dive!"



















"Must have been a dud. Looks like his fiendish plan really laid an egg!"




"Anyway Jeremy, I am sure that you and our world-wide-friends can see that I will not be caught as unprepared this April 8th as I was last year. The men from Acme will be here first thing on Monday morning to begin installation and by the time Easter Eve rolls around, some two weeks hence, this property will be as secure as-"

"No, it is April 8th, Jeremy. Easter is on April 8th."



"April 8th!"




"Jeremy, do you think that after all those many hours we spent on that window sill last year that I would not make special note of that particular date least we be caught with our boots down two years in a row. I am telling you, with no fear of error on my part that Easter falls on the 8th of April!"


"Different days? Who ever heard of a holiday that falls on a different day every year? Holidays do not float about the calender all willy-nilly like that!"

"First Sunday following the first full moon after the vernal equinox!?! What sort of pagan mumbo jumbo is that?"




"It's not that I don't believe you, Jeremy I just-"




"It just seems to me that if the guy died and came back to life someone would have thought to jot the date down on a Post-It or something..."

"Oh very well! Bring me my handy dandy three year checkbook calender!"


"Okay let's see... first full moon... vernal equinox...."

"Carry the three.... assuming x equals pi.... divide by the quotient...."

"Okay if what you say is correct and if my calculations are right that means that this year Easter will fall on the... 23rd. Which is.... tomorrow."

"Which means that.... "




".... tonight...."



".... tonight is.... um...."






"Did it suddenly get very cold, Jeremy?"

4 comments:

SamRiddleburger said...

Wow, what a shocker ending! I never saw it coming. This is like the Sixth Sense of partly naked bird man stories. It's also the War and Peace of partly naked bird man stories.

toxiferous said...

Epic.Post. (So awesome.)

Raven said...

I'm late to this dance, but this is surely soon to be a major motion picture...brilliant.
By the way, I thought the last time we saw Mr. thingwithreallylongname, he was burned alive by PJ's death stare?
And I can't believe I remember that...or was it a dream and I really really need help?

Steven A. said...

Thanks to all of you! I'm so glad that I finally have an opus. Now I can go nap.

And raven, it was Halloween Kitty Pez who felt the full flamable effects of PJ's stare... Mr. thingwithanamethat'snotreallyallthatlongIjustthinkyou'retoolazytoorememberit only suffered a few singed tail feathers.