Nine Tips (And Some Change) For Throwing A Rocking Children's Party!

TIP #1-

Always invite some children to a children's party... they seem to really enjoy themselves. Don't invite too many children, because for every one that you invite two more will wander in off the street. I have no idea who any of these children are. They are all street children.

TIP #1A-

Small chairs shaped like Elmo that giggle and vibrate when you sit on them are disturbing to everyone, not just the birthday boy.

TIP #2-

Always have a bouncy castle.

TIP#3-

Always insure that the bouncy castle is properly inflated.

TIP#4-

Snacks should always be from the greasy and/or sticky food groups.

TIP#5-

That crunchy stuff that's leftover at the bottom of the cotton candy machine when you've spun your last cone? That's the best s**t!

TIP#6-

For party favors you can never go wrong with figurines of Minnie Mouse dressed as a Victorian hooker.

Mickey the Ripper sold separately.

TIP#7-

No clowns. Clowns bad.

TIP#8-

Always have plenty of face paint on hand. Kids love face paint!

TIP#8a-

When it's asked by a pack of slavering four-year-olds, the words "Sure. Why not?" are never the correct answer to the question, "Can we paint your face?"

TIP#9-

Party like it's the last day of Mardi Gras!

Safety Second!

It's a sequel!

And like most sequels... it's a sad and artless rehashing of the original. This blog is now officially a creative wasteland.

The biggest problem with the National Child Safety Council's Official Safety Manual Ages 7-9 (1979 edition) is that it is 100% lacking in its predecessor's racially offensive stereotypes and scary-ass clowns which means that it is also approximately 85% less pokefunatable. There's your Word of the Day, Sparkle! Now go take some Nytol and chill out!

Bleah! I'm bored already...

I knew at least two kids who's parents kept dynamite around the house. I am not even kidding you. I'm from the South.

"Thunderbirds are stop!"

Never kick a squirrel down a flight of stairs.

HALLOWE'EN CAMEO!!!!!!

And for future reference... safe Hallowe'ens are not fun Hallowe'ens. I can speak from experience that the only truly fun Hallowe'ens are the ones that leave behind scorch marks and fresh welts.

I don't understand this crossword at all...

I can speak from experience that the only truly fun Christmases are the ones that leave behind sprained ankles and tinsel burns on your backside.

What's a 'dlley?'

Don't worry... there's nothing funny on the other half of the page, either.

Yoda fish!

I'm disheartened to learn after all these years that my beloved family pediatrician, Dr. Kluge, was not in fact a person who cares.

Dr. Bang maybe cared a little too much.

Jack & Jill Went Back To School

Disco Stu, The Early Years

***A VAGUE GREGORY MAGUIRE REFERENCE WATCH IS IN EFFECT FOR THE SURROUNDING REGIONS. CONDITIONS ARE FAVORABLE FOR A VAGUE GREGORY MAGUIRE REFERENCE!***
Back when the Animals could still hold teaching positions.