Sunday, March 25, 2007


"Hello and welcome on this Sunday evening of March 25, Two Thousand and Seven. My name is Freaky-Ass-Naked-Fleshy-Feathery-Nipple-Eyed-Conjoined-Chicken-Man-Thing-Creature-Beast-In-Pixie-Boots. You may call me ... if ever the occasion should arise where you would call me at all... Freaky-Ass-Naked-Fleshy-Feathery-Nipple-Eyed-Conjoined-Chicken-Man-Thing-Creature-Beast-In-Pixie-Boots."

"Above me is my host body, Jeremy. Jeremy will not speak to you and you are not to speak to Jeremy. Should Jeremy feel the need to communicate with you then he will do so through me. Jeremy will never feel the need to communicate with you!"

"What must have been several years ago by this time the dull-witted owner of this blog, and the man in who's palatial estate Jeremy and I are forced to reside, was challenged ...some say 'tagged'... by the ethereally beautiful Ms. eviedee to create a post wherein he would reveal to the world 6 strange things about himself... as if the world needed to know more about him than it already does...."

"As I knew it would from the start, it seems that if this task - I TOLD YOU NOT TO SPEAK TO JEREMY! -it seems that if this task is ever to be completed it is I who must do the completing. As per his usual routine Mr. Altis' days have been far too full of boozin', whorin', tokin', cow tippin', ding-dong-ditchin', and other activities which end in a lack of a 'g' to bother fulfilling the duty handed down to him by the enchantingly lovely Ms. evie. I wish I could say that this surprised me, but alas... Is it not I who keeps this household running? Is it not I who pay the bills? Is it not I who mow the lawn and water the houseplants? Is it not I who feeds the cat? Is it not I who-"

"What do you mean we don't have a cat, Jeremy?"

"Well, then who's cat have I been feeding all these many weeks?"

"Not a cat? Then what-"

"An 'O-Possum?' What the deuce is an 'O-Possum?' Never mind! This 'O-Possum' and I shall have words when next he comes begging at our back door!"

"Continuing my narrative... after many exhaustive hours I have narrowed down Mr. Altis' myriad in-bred personality quirks to a short list of gentle foibles which I think will cause the least amount of soul-numbing horror amongst you, our readers. Believe me, were you to bear witness to the full scope of this man's strangeness you would well understand why I am a bed wetter."

"There were some rules that went along with this tagging thing, but I've forgotten what they are. Anyway, I do not obey the rules... I make the rules!"

"Strange Thing #1: He saved all the 'Weekly Readers' he ever received in school... including 'Summer Weekly Readers.' I mean, who does that? What kind of a loser even subscribed to 'Summer Weekly Reader' in the first place?"

"Strange Thing #2: His entire DVD collection consists of nothing but movie musicals and slasher flicks. I shudder to think what an FBI profiler would make of this."

"Wait just a moment! Is that the complete first season of 'Knot's Landing' that I spy? Dear Mother of God! No, Jeremy! Restrain yourself! It would be impolite to guffaw!"

"......... I had forgotten what a lovely couple Gary and Val were."

"Strange Thing #3: Before he goes to sleep, Mr. Altis must check inside every closet in the room to ensure that no one lurks within. If he checks the closet and then has to leave the room for some reason he must re-check the closet upon his return in case someone snuck in while he was peeing. He doesn't really think that anybody is hiding in there, but he just knows that the first time he forgets to check..."

"I don't know what he's worried about. There's never anything in there but t-shirts and porn."


"All this talk of people other than myself has parched my beak. To the juice boxes, Jeremy!"


"Strange Thing #4: My absurd 'owner' has a paralyzing fear of all things in this world designed to remove blood from his body. This includes ticks, leeches and needles but not vampires. He admits that there are no such things as vampires and sees little point in fearing them. However..."

"Strange Thing #5: ... he believes in werewolves. He is of the opinion that a world big enough to contain platypuses and triffids is big enough to contain half-man, half-wolf creatures. I hate to say it, but I agree with him completely on this point. Knowing how lowly and unclean you humans are it would not surprise me to learn that someone, somewhere, at some point in the past shacked up with a wolf and spawned a godless little pack of halflings who's progeny still roam the forgotten wilds of this sorry planet."

"Yes, Jeremy. Triffids are real."

"Strange Thing #6: Strange thing #6 is that I grow almost as weary of this exercise as I have of your company! Which is not that strange of a thing at all! If you want for a sixth number to this list than merely peruse some of the previous postings this man has made to this very blog! He names pumpkins for God's sake! Strangeness for the picking! I hope that you'll have fun, as for me... "Rosemary and Thyme" is just about to begin. To the TV room, Jeremy!"

1 comment:

eviedee said...

Well done Mr.Freaky-Ass-Naked-Fleshy-Feathery-Nipple-Eyed-Conjoined-Chicken-Man-Thing-Creature-Beast-In-Pixie-Boots! :)LOVE the photos, totally worth the wait!