Thursday, September 27, 2007

From The Plastic Pumpkins Case Files: Mystery Poo!

I was out in the woods today playing with my Mego dolls, like you do, when what should appear on the path before me but a still warm and steaming pile of poo. As pictured:

I'm not one who is usually bothered by a little forest poo, but this was a most perplexing pile of poo and perplexing poo is always off-putting. The worst thing about this poo was the sheer size of the pile... I didn't think to put anything in the picture for size reference, but this poo was only a few more handfuls of Triscuits away from being full-grown man head-size! Right off the bat, I'm not comfortable with the thought of anything that leaves behind a poo that big lumbering up a shady forest trail just a few steps ahead of me. The second slightly odd thing about this poo was its consistency and chemical make-up. To these un-poo-trained eyes this looked like a big pile of poo-colored sawdust. It was even as light as a pile of sawdust, as a hesitant finger poke with a fallen leaf prophylactic proved to me. But it was definitely poo. I mentioned the steaming already didn't I? And there were flies, too. Lots and lots of flies.

So my question to you is- from what creature's bowels did this poo come? The only animal that I can think of that might leave behind a pile of pooey sawdust is a beaver, but this would have to have been one big beaver. Sci-Fi channel Saturday night movie big, I'm talking! Any guesses, educated or otherwise? Any poo experts out there care to weigh in on this Unsolved Mystery? Mr. Riddleburger, I'm looking at you.

I apologize for today's subject matter and promise that this will be the only time I devote an entire post to a pile of poo that I found in the woods. Unless this post gets a lot of hits and then it's all poo, all the time!


Shawn Robare said...

My only guess would be that you were mere minutes behind a Bigfoot that had eaten two huge full beavers for diner the night before. Do bigfeet eat beavers?

P.S. Mysterious piles of poo posts are pretty cool, so though I'm not suggesting wall to wall poo on your blog, a little is cool from time to time...

Sam Riddleburger, noted poo expert said...

Steve, thanks for explaining by email about the taste of the poo. Your description: "coconut with nutmeg overtones" leads me to believe it's a Ground Sloth.

Nothing to fear, unless it's a mother ground sloth in which case she'll kill you.

Steven A. said...

Shawn, I only wish there were enough mysterious pile of poo incidences in my life to warrant their own tag. How much richer my life would be. Also, when you hand me lines like "Do bigfeet eat beavers?" you make it very hard for me to keep this a family-friendly blog.

Sam, when preparing Hamburger Helper recipes I often use ground sloth as a leaner alternative to beef.

Perhaps this poo was left by a bigfoot who had eaten a mother sloth who had recently been pissed off by a beaver? I wish now that I had saved a bit of poo for further chemical analyzes.

For you Mr. Riddleburger, a haiku:

Inscrutable poo
Forever enigmatic
No Ziploc at hand