Saturday, December 09, 2006

Tim Burton's New Nightmare

Today's Yule jewel is a circa-1959 'Golden Funtime Stickums Books' offering that is sure to instill mortal dread in even the most cynical of children's hearts. 'Chris Jingle' gives us a brief glimpse into one tiny reindeer's late winter night's rampage of terror. Though light on the back story, this is obviously the tale of a demented little ruminant who's gone all Lock, Shock and Barrel on the Sandy Claws and is trying his feeble-minded best to fulfil old Saint Nick's Christmas Eve obligations all on his own...

The book is taller than my scanner, so I've unfortunately had to crop the pages a bit awkwardly-

Chris Jingle looks suspiciously like one of those fuzzy stuffed animals with the creepy vinyl faces that were all the rage in their day... which leads me to believe that this 'Stickums' book is some sort of toy tie-in. Chris Jingle also has that dead-cold Michael Myers glint in his eyes that leads me to believe that he may have long since sold his soul to the devil his own damned self. Probably in exchange for that snazzy red ribbon!

As our story opens, Chris has already commandeered (Ha! Get it?) Santa's sleigh and magic bag o' toys. What's become of the old elf is not mentioned, but I'm pretty sure that by the time the last reel rolls his lifeless body will have come tumbling out of someone's closet, bloodied antlers protruding from his eye sockets.

Ooh, ooh! I want to guess! Is it a big bag of whup-ass? I bet it's a big bag of whup-ass!

"'Cause if you don't, I'll have to stab you through the neck with this candy cane! Tee, hee!"

He looks like the sort of person who would poison Gotham City's water supply...


And those are the stickers folks. There's actually one more page of story, but over the years that last page of stickers has become perma-glued to it so I can't tell you how the story ends.

I think that we can all agree that however it finishes up... it won't be pretty.

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