Saturday, April 07, 2007

Dark Night Of The Bunny

"Greetings! I am Freaky-Ass-Naked-Fleshy-Feathery-Nipple-Eyed-Conjoined-Chicken-Man-Thing-Creature-Beast-In-Pixie-Boots and above me is my host body, Jeremy. I assume that you are aware of the rules regarding Jeremy and the speaking to him by you. You have joined Jeremy and I at a dark and dangerous moment for Jeremy has just been telling me of an evil bunny of unnatural proportions who legend tells wanders the land on one night each year... entering houses unbidden and hiding within them eggs... eggs of evil! Well, my friends........


"Seeing as how the buffoon who's name appears on the lease of the abode in which Jeremy and I dwell has not seen fit to install a security system of any sort upon these premises it falls to me, and me alone, to protect our homestead against Lepus invasion. I have divided the house into several separate sectors and have mapped out a route with which I will patrol said premises. No bunny shall be depositing his eggs of evil within the domain of Freaky-Ass-Naked-Fleshy-Feathery-Nipple-Eyed-Conjoined-Chicken-Man-Thing-Creature-Beast-In-Pixie-Boots!"

"Sector One a.k.a the front hall is all clear. Our patrol is off to a most successful beginning, Jeremy!"

"What is it, Jeremy? Calm yourself!"

"Yes, yes. I see the croquet mallets... but there will be no time for games this evening friend Jeremy!"

"Onward to Sector Two!"

"Sector Two seems peaceful enough, but bunnies love kitchens so perhaps it would be wise of me to enlist some help in patrolling this particular quadrant...."

"You there, small blue goofy looking ghost like character! I seek men of bravery and valor who will join me this evening in securing our domicile from assault by outside forces, specifically a large bunny armed with eggs.... eggs of evil! What say you? Will you stand alongside me?"

"Your lack of cooperation has been noted and will be remembered. Come Jeremy we must next check within the cupboards."

"Never mind about bubblegum now, Jeremy!"

"I told you not to let the door shut behind us, Jeremy!"

"Do... do you suppose we will die in here, Jeremy?"

"Jeremy, there's something I've always wanted to tell you..."

"Yes, Jeremy. It was lucky indeed that the buffoon came along when he did. He does have his limited uses."

"And yet, my brief brush with death has left me with a thirst that only one thing may quench..."


"I am refreshed, Jeremy! And I am well pleased that the TV room sector remains secure and that "Murder In Suburbia" is being Tivo'd even as we speak!"

"But look, Jeremy! I see something which may aid us in constructing anti-bunny defenses!"

"Damn these so-called 'Tinkerer Toys' anyway! Why do they not come with firing pins?"

"Frustration combined with juice boxes has upset my bladder! To the bathroom, Jeremy!"

"All looks well, Jeremy! I think we can rest easy knowing that the facilities are under the watchful eye of our jubilant homosexual friend here!"

"This place is bigger than I thought it to be, Jeremy. My pixie-booted feet grow weary from my patrol. Time to outsource!"

"Poodle Dog! The library sector is now your responsibility... do not fail me!"

"Look at me when I speak to you, Poodle Dog!"

"Hour one of this dark night of the soul has passed with relative ease, Jeremy. But we shall not rest until the God-sent light of dawn shines upon the Earth... well, maybe we can rest a little..."

".... Jeremy? Who's comfy-soft paw is this upon which we rest?"


"Faster, Jeremy... for the love of mercy, faster!"

"Oh my God! Oh my God!"

"Keep running... oh God Jeremy... keep running!"

"What is happening!?! WHAT IS HAPPENING!?!"


"It's behind us... oh my dear God, it's right behind us!!!!"

"Huff... don't.... huff... can't..."



"Can you hear anything, Jeremy?"

"I think we have eluded him, Jeremy"

"Frightened? I was not frightened! I thought only of your safety, my friend"

"No! No, Jeremy. I think it best if we remain here for the rest of the night. This vantage point is perfect for... for undercover surveillance. I should like to see that bunny attempt any more funny stuff this evening, Jeremy."

"Oh, I should very much like to see that..."


eviedee said...

How can one person have SO many rad vintage things? It just doesn't seeem possible.......

Steven Altis said...

I steal.

Actually, I just benefit from the fact that everybody who knows me knows that I love that kind of thing, so whenever it comes time to clean out attics and basements there's always a pile of 'stuff that Steve will like.' Even Freaky-Ass-Naked-Fleshy-Feathery-Nipple-Eyed-Conjoined-Chicken-Man-Thing-Creature-Beast-In-Pixie-Boots was a gift.

Also, I steal.