Saturday, April 21, 2007

Tales of Fantastic Horrors! Part Three: The Doctor Dances

Previously on "Tales of Fantastic Horrors!"-

Johnny's all wet...

...and Reed's a total dumbf**k.

But, what about Ben?

Ben's persecution complex and rampant paranoia lead him into single-handedly renovating Dr. Weird's basement rec room.

That's a wringer washer he's smashing there.

It's important to note that not only has the Thing been defeated by a ratty old armchair, he's been defeated by a ratty old armchair that isn't really a lame-ass super villain in disguise.

When faced by as cunning and unrelenting an enemy as a ratty old armchair that isn't actually a super villain in disguise there is no shame in strategic retreat.

This page doesn't actually repeat itself in the book, but since Reed's fight with a disgruntled snake got about twenty pages worth of coverage I figure Ben's rock punching deserves at least a couple pages.

"That final pile of boulders concealed a cylinder filled with a gas which attacked Ben's weak spot, his lungs. By smashing the tank, the Thing had defeated himself!"

Oh irony! Thou name art 'Big Little Books!'

Sue's unerring feminine instinct leads her straight into the kitchen.

"But... teakettles don't purr!"

Force fields, Susan! Use the force fields!

There's a girl...

Sue was just about to flee the kitchen when, all of a sudden, the tiger transforms into-
"... a muscular, wicked-eyed man dressed in knee high boots and a flowing cape."

No, she hasn't accidentally wandered into Drag Nite at Club Cavity, it's none other than-

And lookie, he even has an elegant walking stick to complete that fashionable ensemble of his.

Sure it is... way don't you prove it by doing something completely pointless with it.

Unaware that the Invisible Woman can turn invisible, Dr. Weird is caught off guard, baffled even, when she proceeds to turn invisible.

Helpful hint: study up on your foe's abilities and powers before issuing your 'battle to the death' challenges.

Handy hint #2: When in doubt, start tossing out the foof bombs like you owned stock in the company.

Utterly unable to handle Sue's little round of super-powered hide 'n' seek, Dr. Weird turns into a puff of smoke and takes flight.

Faced with their foe's complete inadequacy and all around non-threatening vibe Susan can come to only one conclusion-

Looks like the fate of the entire FF rests in the hands of the Invisible Woman! This shouldn't be a problem so long as this story is being written by someone who is actually able to treat Susan Storm Richards as a competent and intelligent adult with just as many years' super-heroing experience under her belt as her male teammates... in other words-

The Fantastic Four are screwed.

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