Sunday, October 29, 2006


I don't usually buy lottery tickets... handing over hard-earned cash in exchange for a very slim chance at getting slightly more cash in return is not one of my personal thrills. I've got plenty of vices but luckily gambling isn't one of them. If I've got five bucks in my hand I'd rather just buy a McGriddle and a Diet Coke, thank you very much. Besides, what with the price of gas and smack nowadays a person needs to hang onto as much cash as he can. I'm just kidding about that smack thing, of course. I'm not even really sure that I know what smack is. I know what 'horse' is. And 'tar.' I'm iffy on the smack.

Anyway, I always make a lotto exception around the holidays when the nice folks at the lottery board release appropriately-themed tickets to mark the occasion. Partly this is because of the festive-ness of buying lottery tickets covered in jack-o'-lanterns, shamrocks or Santa Clauses and partly this is because a little voice in the back of my head insists that a person is far more likely to win fistfuls of dough with a holiday ticket than they would be with a plain old everyday ticket. I don't know why the voice in the back of my head thinks this. Too much smack, probably.

Today was Hallowe'en lottery ticket buying day (Hope you didn't forget. It was on all the calenders.) so why don't you play along with me and we'll call it a post-

First up is the $1.00 'Creepy Cash' card. Which feature three different designs. The jack-o'-lantern seen above, a zombie and something else I've forgotten. I was determined to get the jack-o'-lantern and, if I had to, would have bought three tickets in order to get it, but luckily it was the next one on the role. Already Lady Luck is on my side! Now let's see... 'Match 3 like prizes, win that prize.' I can do that-

Lady Luck wandered all over the room and blew on some other guy's card. Minx. Still, it's only the $1.00 card. Everybody knows that the real money is on the $2.00 cards!

Ladies and gentlemen, let's play HalloWin! This one is a little more complicated, but you can win up to 10 times so it seems an even trade off. Plus, I love how the top prize is $13,000. A very Hallowe'en-y sum. Let's see what my winning numbers are-

12 and 1. Nice enough numbers I suppose. Whatever, I don't particularly favor one number above another. I'll take what I get. Although... wait a minute. 12 and 1? 12 and 1 makes 13! $13,000 is the top prize... my winning numbers add up to 13... it has to be a sign! Oh my God, I'm about to win $13,000!!! I can't believe this! $13,000! No one's ever handed me over anything close to $13,000 at one time before now! Wow! I think I have to sit down for a minute. I know that $13,000 isn't a huge amount of money nowadays, but it's nothing to turn up your nose at either! I mean, the things you could do with $13,000! I could clear out my Amazon wish list! I could finally get around to paying for that Soloflex I bought two years ago which might in turn inspire me to actually open up all those boxes that Soloflex came in. I could spend the winter some place warm! I wonder how many weeks in Hawaii I could swing on 13,000 bucks? I wouldn't have to stay in the Kamehameha suite of the Hanapepe Hilton or anything, I will be spending the days laying on the beach after all. And as for meals, I'll sup on the coconuts and papayas that fall from the trees and land at your very feet. And poi. How expensive can poi be? Of course, if it was a little bit more than $13,000 I would donate part of it to any one of the many different charitable organizations that I give to on a regular basis. Like... uh... the foundation for... the um... well, it's tacky to talk about one's philanthropic endeavors. $13,000 just isn't enough to really bother trying to divvy up for donating purposes though, is it? Now if it was, say, $26,000 then I'd be glad to slip a little toward some worthy cause or the other, but the top prize is only $13,000. Hey, wait a minute! Get a pumpkin symbol and you win twice the prize shown? A pumpkin symbol? Hey, I have a blog named after pumpkins! It's another sign! OH MY GOD! I'm about to win $26,000!!!


The Virginia Lottery can bite me in the jugular.

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