Wednesday, October 18, 2006

The Naming Of Pumpkins: Masquerade

Everybody loves playing dress-up every once in awhile and Hallowe'en makes the perfect excuse to do just that. And it's not just people who like to dress up in crazy outfits... dogs love it, too! And monkeys! Not so much cats... we used to dress our cat up every Hallowe'en in cute little costumes we'd made ourselves. Nothing too fancy, just a witch's hat or a superhero cape. Once we'd managed to corner the poor thing and slip his costume on he'd just go rigid all over and sit there glaring at us while this strange, ungodly noise began to slowly grow from somewhere deep in the back of his throat. If you've ever had a cat then you've probably heard that noise before. It's a cats way of saying "If you don't take this rubber clown nose off of my face in the next three seconds the next costume that I'll be wearing will be your eyeballs on the tips of my claws." Cats don't like playing dress-up.

But plastic pumpkins do! Today I'll introduce you to three of them who really get into the holiday spirit!


This is Warwick and he is modeling what is perhaps the simplest Hallowe'en costume out there, the classic pointy witch's hat. Pointy witch's hats are the perfect costume to wear when you're doing Hallowe'en night door duty. Easy to pop on your head every time you hear the doorbell and easy to take right back off again so you don't have to sit around the living room in some elaborate costume all night long feeling a little bit silly. Warwick's plastic handle is threaded right through his hat so that he can slide it off and on for easy candy access and I know that this would be a lot easier to see if I hadn't photographed a solid black witch's hat against a solid black background, but I was too lazy to go upstairs and find a different colored t-shirt so you'll just have to squint.
Before we leave Warwick I want everybody to take a good look at him. Seems like a pleasant enough fellow doesn't he? Jolly and happy and all that? Well excuse me, but did you see those teeth? While most plastic pumpkins sport your basic blunt squared-off jack-o'-lantern teeth Warwick's working with a full set of razor sharp dagger teeth. Be very wary of this pumpkin, them are child-eating teeth...



This is Beauregarde. Beauregarde is a pretty popular pumpkin. I see him on eBay all the time. The people who are selling him on eBay invariably describe him as being a 'pirate.' I can see where they might think this, but it isn't really true. Beauregarde is actually dressed up as his great-great granddaddy (and namesake) Colonel Beauregarde "Mushguts" Lee, hero of the late Confederate States of America. Now don't go getting any wrong ideas about Colonel Beauregarde... he was a freedom loving pumpkin who believed in the basic equality of all men and women. Colonel Beau merely joined up with the CSA army as an excuse to shoot at Yankees. Yankees are just plain annoying and any excuse to fill their backsides with buckshot is a good excuse. I hope all you Yankees who are reading this don't take offence, but I think that deep down inside of yourselves you all know that this is true.
Colonel Beau lost his eye one Hallowe'en night when he thought that it would be funny to dress his cat up in Union blues.



This is Dr. Jackyll. Dr. Jackyll isn't really wearing a costume, but this seemed like the best group in which to stick him. See, Dr. Jackyll has a secret. A bad, bad secret. Would you like to know what that secret is? It's pretty terrible... are you really sure that you want to know? Okay, then brace yourselves....











Seriously, I want to make sure that you've really prepared yourselves for this...








It's not too late to turn back. Nobody's going to think any the less of you...








Alright, here we go...




Oh my God!!! It's hideous! What in the name of all that's holy is that!?!
I'll tell you what that is, that's Dr. Jackyll's evil alter ego, Mr. Pied! (Oh yeah? Well you try coming up with a good pumpkin-related Mr. Hyde pun. Not so easy is it?) Mr. Pied is nothing more than the personification of the darker animal instincts which lurk within even the kindest of plastic pumpkins. Whenever Dr. Jackyll becomes overwhelmed by the restrictions placed on him by society and the mores of the time, he finds himself transforming into the sinister Mr. Pied. (He does this by turning himself around 'cause Mr. Pied is stamped onto Dr. Jackyll's flip side) How did such a fate befall poor innocent Dr. Jackyll? Let's just say, he never should have eaten those unwrapped treats...



More plastic pumpkins are coming soon, including the star of a classic piece of American literature who was once portrayed on the silver screen by big time acting star, Robert Duvall.

3 comments:

Smurfwreck said...

Man oh man, if I were to marry a plastic pumpkin (int he complete Pee Wee Herman sense of the idea) I would so marry Beauregarde. That's one fine looking pumpkin.

Rozum said...

I have over 100 of those Warwicks in my garage. You can see what I do with them late on October 31st.

I need to get one of those Beauregardes! What a great bucket.

I actually like Mr. Pied as well.

Steven Altis said...

100 of them!?! I hope you keep that garage door securely padlocked!


You do know those things come alive at night don't you?