Meet Paper Jack!

Man, you can really work up an appetite playing with Legos... I wonder if there's any more of that General Tso's Triple Delight from last week still left in the fridge?

What the heck!?!

What a mess! Who the heck's been-

"Ahem!"

Oh, good lord.

"Goodbye! It am no pleasure to meet- er... to not meet you! Me am not Paper Jack! Me am not classic and original Golden Age Earth-2 version of Plastic Jack! How are - I mean how am you... not...doing. Or something"

Paper Jack? Like the cheese?

"What? No. I mean yes! Yes no! Or..."

Never mind. Look, Paper Jack? Two things. First thing: Earth-2 is the home of all the Golden Age versions of popular modern day heroes like the Flash and the Green Lantern and everybody pretty much talks normal there. Bizarro World is the home of Superman's imperfect double and all of his imperfect friends. That's where they talk that backward talk thing you're trying not very successfully to pull off. So what are you? Golden Age version of Plastic Jack or Bizarro Plastic Jack? Second thing: Both those places are made up.

"Bizarro World? Well, I am just utterly- What? Oh yes, you just have to start in with the I told you so's don't you? Well, perhaps you'd like to be the one to come up with the clever plans in the future? What? No, you may not come up with the clever plans in the future!"

What's going on? Are you talking to yourself? This is all very confusing.

"Talking to myself? Of course not! There's nobody in here but me, Paper Jack! I mean-"

In here? Wait a minute...

"No! Stop that! I have not given you permission to touch Paper Jack!"

"Oh, crap!"


Freaky-Ass-Naked-Fleshy-Feathery-Nipple-Eyed-Conjoined-Chicken-Man-Thing-Creature-Beast-In-Pixie-Boots - ? What are up to now?

"Up to? Why, I'm not up to anything! Ha, ha, ha! I was just... just... April Fool's!"

It's not April, it's October. Why are... oh my gosh! Freaky-Ass-Naked-Fleshy-Feathery-Nipple-Eyed-Conjoined-Chicken-Man-Thing-Creature-Beast-In-Pixie-Boots, is this all just some kind of a desperate cry for attention? What's wrong... are you feeling a little left out 'cause Plastic Jack's getting all of the attention around here this month?

"What!?! Pshaw! Left out? I'm not feeling left out! I hadn't even noticed that I haven't been in your stupid blog all month! What do I care about your silly Spooks-travaganza and all the fun you and that creepy little pumpkin guy have been having without me? I'm far to busy to be worrying about your dumb blog, I'll tell you that much! I have my needlepoint and my Thursday book club and-"

"Run, Jeremy, run!!"

"Oooff!"

"Oh very nice move there, Jeremy! We're back in the bag..."

"Well, I don't know where I would have gone if I was you Jeremy because I am not you, now am I? I certainly wouldn't have headed straight back into the bag, I do know that much!"

"If I stop to think about it then I suppose I would have to say that if it had been me I would have hidden behind the Fritos bag.... I don't care if Fritos give you indigestion, Jeremy. We would not be eating the Fritos, we would be cowering behind them until our painful humiliation had passed!"

"........... what do you suppose he is up to out there, Jeremy? He is humming quite merrily. It makes me nervous when he hums merrily."

"Perhaps he's forgotten about us."

"Eeeek! Earthquake, Jeremy, earthquake! Find a doorjamb!"

"AAAIIEEE!"

"I did not know that this part of the country was subject to earthquakes, Jeremy!"

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Oh that wacky recurring Freaky-Ass-Naked-Fleshy-Feathery-Nipple-Eyed-Conjoined-Chicken-Man-Thing-Creature-Beast-In-Pixie-Boots and his crazy running away shtick! He may have gotten glue all over my very favorite Tangerine Mist crayon and drank the last of my juice boxes, but at least he has given me an idea.

All month long I've been wanting to have a contest of some sort to help celebrate our Hallowe'en blog countdown madness and I've just been too busy scanning old children's magazines and pretending like toys can talk to come up with something good. So in lieu of that... I've come up with something kind of lame. A "Win Your Own Paper Jack Contest!"

That's right! You too can be the proud owner of your very own one-of-a-kind Paper Jack hand puppet! Each puppet will be lovingly hand-crafted from only the finest paper lunch sacks and Dollar General construction paper and each one will include a brief and deliriously random note from me on the back side! Like snowflakes, no two Paper Jack hand puppets will be exactly the same but, like snowflakes, you'll have a hard time spotting the differences.

'And what impossible feats of daring-do need I complete in order to secure my very own Paper Jack?' is the question that you are most likely asking yourselves right now. It's so very simple! Below you will find seven (7) questions relating to this month's Hallowe'en postings here at Plastic Pumpkins. E-mail me the answers to these questions (link is over there on the right) along with your mailing address and within days one genuine kid-tested, mother-approved Plastic Jack hand puppet will be dropped in the mail just for you! As an added bonus, if your mailing address is also your street address than I just may show up at your house in person and crash on your couch for a few days. Especially if you live somewhere balmy.

Here are the questions:

1. Who designed the logo for this year's rarely-ever-mentioned-by-name "Hallowe'en Spook-stravaganza?"

2. Where did Jilly-Jilly-Jumpkin fly away to?

3. Of all the costumes I wore to go Trick or Treating when I was a kid, which one was the Coolest Costume Ever?

4. What's the answer to 3-Down?

5. True or False- Willie's Magical Whistle is the lamest magical device of all time.

6. What 1970's television star would you have chosen to play the Human Torch?

7. Who was that masked gunman, anyway?

Remember... in order to win a Paper Jack of your own you must answer all seven of the questions! If you can not answer them correctly, at least answer them creatively! Contest is open until midnight on Oct. 31st, there is no limit to the number of people who can win and contest is not open to employees of Plastic Pumpkins Inc. or people who I just don't like all that much.